“Yeah, okay, whatever.”
Flash forward to the first day home for the new family…“I think she needs a diaper change,” said Baby Mama.
“I’ll do it.”
“Okay Mom, but you haven’t used the snappi yet have you?”
“Pfft, oh how hard can it be?” I said as I took G-baby, confident in my Grand-Deberly skills. As soon as I saw that snappi thing-a-ma-jig on the diaper though, I knew I was in trouble. Diapering this kid was going to be like a craft project and I suck at craft projects. The snappi snopped when it should have snapped I think. I got nervous and started to sweat. Finally I just bunched everything together best I could and brought her back out so she could eat.
Predictably she fussed. Baby Daddy knew something was wrong, opened her cute onesie, and saw the bunched up mess on his kid’s butt. He expertly fixed it and G-baby immediately stopped fussing.
Oh my God, I failed at my first diaper change. How could a Grand-Deb fail at diaper changing?
Baby Daddy said I just had to practice and handed me a stuffed cow.
“Seriously? You want me to use a stuffed cow?”
“If you ever want to hold my baby again, you do.”
“Fine!” I grabbed that stupid cow out of his hands and practiced the diaper origami craft project. It was hard work. I started to think I must be snappi- disabled. I cussed the snappi. I snapped the snappi which only snapped me back.
Finally I had something to show Baby Daddy and he said, “Um, I don’t think the cow’s leg should be sticking up next to its horn like that.”
Grr, what does he know. When they had their first ultrasound and he saw an object poking out from his baby, he was excited to have a boy – until the technician said, “That’s a leg.”
I tried again. Still not right.
“Ug! You two are lucky. You had lessons from The Diaper Fairy herself! She must have sprinkled you with some diaper changing magic fairy dust or something. Right? I just need some of those fairy sprinkles!”
They just stared at me and said “Try it again.”
I practiced a few more times and Baby Daddy said I was ready for my final exam, doing it on the real, live baby. So I took a deep breath and carried G-baby to the diaper changing table, memories of my past failure still as fresh in my mind as G-baby’s pee was in the diaper.
I knew I was going to have to talk myself through this so I picked up the snappi and said menacingly, “You’re not going to beat me, little snappi.”
I know G-baby thought I was crazy, but what the heck, she might as well learn the truth early in life.
After some kicking, fussing and spitting up – by me not the baby – I finally did it. A successfully snug snappi and a damn dandy diaper change.
“Great!” said Baby Daddy, “You’re now officially certified to change my baby!”
I was so relieved and proud. Now anytime G-baby has a dirty diaper and I’m around, they can just call on me to…Hey wait a minute, what did I just do here?