A Hairy Situation

NOTE: This is the first in what I imagine will be an ongoing series I shall call “News You Can’t Use.”

hairLate last month a Federal Appeals Court ruled against an Indiana government school policy that restricts the length of hair for members of the boys basketball team. The family maintained that this policy violated their son’s constitutional right of equal protection since the girls team did not have the same restrictions.

I wonder what those crazy long-haired, wig-wearing founders think about this entire controversy.

I for one am on the side of the coach, but he didn’t go far enough. If he really wants a “clean cut image” for his team then why isn’t he demanding that all those dribbling boys shave their entire bodies?

There’s a competitive advantage here because I’m sure shaving legs could affect their speed just like it does for biking and swimming. They would be as clean as Lance Armstrong. Well, umm, clean-shaven anyway. Plus, I bet the air-time on dunks could be improved because all that hair has to weigh them down. Every little bit helps in the increasingly competitive world of sports.

Of course there is the practicality of shaving the legs, but perhaps most importantly, and since the coach is particularly concerned about a “clean cut image,” they definitely need to shave those underarms. It’s really gross, smelly and filthy under there after running up and down the court, shooting, jumping, dunking and rebounding. (Thankfully they would not be adding to this list of sweat-induced activities by having to readjust ponytail holders).

I’ve often wondered what might be living inside those tufts of fur flowing out from underneath men’s biceps. So come on, it’s gross. Shave already.

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